How to Talk to Children About a Cancer Diagnosis

Being given a cancer diagnosis can be an incredibly shocking, scary thing. You’ll be full of emotions all battling for first place in your mind and heart, and it’s common to feel overwhelmed, or to not know what to do. But if you have children, it can feel even worse. No matter what age they are, it’s not a conversation any parent wants to have with their child. After all, how do you tell them about such a serious illness, and what it means for your family moving forward?

Why Talking to Children

is Important

First, remember that it’s OK not to know what to say. Hardly anyone does in this situation! But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the conversation. You won’t be protecting your children by not telling them about a cancer diagnosis. Children and teenagers are very intuitive - they’ll know something serious is happening. They can recognise the changes in the people close to them, in how you behave and react, and without context, they will start to worry. Talking to your children early means that:

• They know what’s happening, and they might feel less anxious.

• They know you trust them.

• You don’t have to worry about them hearing your conversations with other people.

• It can make you feel closer and able to support each other.

• It can help them cope better with a difficult situation.

It also gives them a chance to talk about their fears and worries, and to ask questions. Talking openly about the cancer ultimately helps them feel more secure in a very challenging time full of unknowns.

Preparation

You might feel like you want to tell your children right away. While talking early is good, don’t rush into it. You’ll need time to manage your own feelings and get your thoughts in order before you explain it to them. Talking to a professional can help with this - whether that’s a clinical nurse specialist, a psychologist, a counsellor, or a cancer nurse, they can help you understand your own feelings and get ready to explain the diagnosis to your children. Take all the time you need to do this. Think about what questions a child might ask, and how you want to answer them. Think about what words you will use to explain things, and how to deliver the information in a way that’s age-appropriate for them. Finally, think about how to start the conversation. This is the bit most people find hardest, so take some time over it. You could ask them what they already know - which may be more than you think!

Next comes logistics. Where and when do you have the conversation? There might be places where you feel more able to talk to your children. You want it to be somewhere safe and calm, and where they feel they will be able to talk too. Try to avoid telling them just before bedtime, as they might not be able to sleep afterwards. If you have more than one child, it’s often better to tell them together, so they don’t think the other knows more than them. If you have to do it separately, try to talk to them as close together as possible.

Now think about you. It’s often best not to have these conversations by yourself. You might want someone there with you when you have the conversation, for support and help if you start to struggle. 

Having the Conversation

When it comes to actually having the conversation, the best advice we can give is to be as honest as possible. If children think you’re hiding something, they might not think you’re telling them the truth. So try not to sugarcoat things or make them sound less serious than they are. 

The most important thing is to use words that children will understand. Find out what they already know, and use simple, clear language to explain things. Talk about what’s happening now, rather than what might happen in the future. If your children are under 7, you might need to repeat information to help them understand and remember. Be prepared for them to react in different ways, and ask them if there’s anything they want to know. You might not be able to answer all of their questions, and that’s OK. Tell them that you will try to find the answers for them.

But what do you actually tell them? The name of the cancer, where it is in your body and how it will be treated are all vital. Physical changes that may happen are important too, as it prepares them in advance and it won’t be so shocking if they should happen. Teenagers and older children will often know what cancer is, but they may have misconceptions, so going over everything will help correct things for them. They may also want to look it up online - offer to do this with them so that you can help them understand whether the information they find is accurate and relevant. 

Remember, children (particularly if they’re under 10) will worry about things like causing the cancer or catching it. So make sure you reassure them that:

• Nothing they did or thought caused the cancer.

• Cancer isn’t like a cold - you can’t catch it. It’s still ok to hug, cuddle and kiss.

• There will always be someone to take care of them.

• They can always ask you questions or talk to you about how they feel.

• You’ll always listen to their worries and try to help them.

When They Need Help

Children of any age will react in different ways when they hear the news. They can show their feelings through words, anger or ‘bad behaviour’. Or they may not show any reaction at all at first, instead needing time to process things. Some children will regress, have problems eating, sleeping or bed-wetting, or start to display problems at school. All of this is normal, and you should make sure that you’re prepared for them. 

If your child is struggling with the diagnosis, there are resources that can help. You can speak to your GP, your cancer team, teachers, health visitors and local counselling services. They will be able to provide you and your children with support.

Of course, sometimes all you need is a break from the world. That’s where charities like Jill’s Fundraising Journey can help. We provide free short breaks for families affected by a cancer diagnosis, hosted in our holiday home in New Milton. Sea, sun and sand, and a pass to the resort for family fun. It’s a great way to make memories and help the family feel ‘normal’ again, which is sometimes the best medicine. If you’d like to know more, just get in touch with us today.