Worried About Talking to Loved Ones With Cancer?

So one of your loved ones has been diagnosed with cancer. It could be a friend, it could be a family member, or just someone you care greatly about. And now you’re faced with a dilemma. You don’t know what to talk about. Suddenly, every interaction feels awkward and forced, and you worry about how to make conversation normally. You might even be wondering if conversations will feel normal again!

The good news is, you’re not alone. Around 44% of people are worried about making conversation with a friend or family member who’s been diagnosed with cancer. 54% said they would be anxious about saying the wrong thing, a third said they didn’t know how to start a conversation, 50% were worried about upsetting their loved one, and 19% said they were concerned that talking about their own life would be callous. 

Why Conversations Matter

As we’ve seen, almost everyone worries about how to talk to someone who is living with cancer. And it’s a very understandable thing. But here’s the thing. Conversations, even awkward ones, show you care. It can be incredibly stressful to find a balance between showing that you do care without upsetting someone, or to treat them in the same way as always without ignoring the fact that they’re going through a very challenging time. It’s a hugely contradictory and a difficult line to tread. But one of the things we’ve noticed over the years is that the conversations are critical. Even if they’re stilted, awkward and challenging, the act of trying and being there means more than anything. So don’t stay quiet or shy away. Show up, and try. That’s all anyone can ask.

Our Top Tips for Talking

All that being said, we do have a few tips to help make some of those conversations a bit easier for everyone.

Listen more, talk less: You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t even need to have any of them! Just listening is often enough. It can be a great comfort to voice and process their thoughts and feeling sin a safe space.

Follow their lead: Some days, they may want to talk openly about their diagnosis and engage in discussion. On other days, they might want to avoid it and just talk about normal, everyday things. Follow their lead on what they want to talk about, and don’t push the topic if they don’t seem to want to discuss it. For many people with cancer, those normal conversations are often the most valuable.

Be patient: There are a lot of complex thoughts and feelings that come with both a cancer diagnosis and the journey through treatment. Try to be patient with their emotions and acknowledge their feelings, whatever they might be. Anger, fear or sadness, or anything else. It’s all natural. |Try to avoid forced positivity or cheering them up. Right now, they need to feel heard and validated.

Validate their feelings: A positive attitude is a good thing, but it can very easily get tiring or even toxic. After all, there’s no amount of positive thoughts that are going to cure cancer. So instead of saying things like ‘you’ll be fine’ or ‘things will get better’, try to validate their feelings. After all, they’re completely valid! Try saying things like ‘I can see how upsetting this is’ or ‘I’m here for you’.

It’s OK to not know what to say: Believe us, the person who has cancer is just as aware of how difficult the conversation is! So if you don’t know what to say, be honest about it! It’s better than saying nothing at all, and who knows, your loved one may even tell you what to say, or prompt a conversation themselves.

Ask specific questions: Vagueness isn’t always good, especially when you’re trying to offer help. So instead, be specific. Instead of ‘let me know if you need anything’, try ‘I'm popping by the shops on my way over, do you need anything?’ or ‘I’d like to drive you to your next appointment, if that’s OK?’.

Respect their boundaries: If they want time alone, respect it. Don’t try to bother them, or badger them with constant checking if they’re OK. We all need some alone time from time to time, and if they’re not ready or in the right mental place to talk, just let them know you’re available when they are.

Be a physical presence: Sometimes it isn’t the talking that’s important at all. Just being with them and sitting quietly in the same room can be all they need, especially if they’re having a difficult day. Being there isn’t always about conversion, and your physical presence can go a long way to making them feel supported and loved.

At Jill’s Fundraising Journey, we’ve all been through the ‘not knowing what to say’ stage, and we know how hard it can be. We also know how difficult it can be to find time to make memories when everything is suddenly moving so quickly, and time feels more limited. That’s why we run Jill’s Place. It’s a place for families with a cancer diagnosis to put the world on pause and enjoy themselves, make memories and find a bit of respite. If you, or anyone you know would benefit from a free holiday at Jill’s Place, just click here to find out more and book.